She is in my trunk
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i believe in u and ur pee
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
