Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
