I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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