The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
