Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
