She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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