did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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