but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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