dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
