did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
