I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
