I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
