I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
