My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
