My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
