i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hippo gnu deer
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
