Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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