I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
