If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
