I've blown a few things in my day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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