saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
