i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
