i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
