my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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