if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
