Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
