Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
