somebody snuck up and got me drunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm just crazy horny about you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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