after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
