I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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