How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
