just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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