Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
