I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
