you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
