sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
