I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
