I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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