No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
