I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
