On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
