I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
