A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
