What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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