if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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