I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
