Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
