pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
