I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
