Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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