Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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