I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
